We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
