Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize