stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
