I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
