my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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