does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
