If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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