I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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