I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
