i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
