glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
