I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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