I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
