My liver just broke up with me...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
