Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize