I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize