i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
