The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have tasted many bathrooms
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
