Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
