Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
