I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
