i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize