Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
