Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize