Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
