I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
