A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My nipple is on Facebook.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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