Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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