He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
