I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
