If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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