i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You made out with two different species that night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
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