im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
