At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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