made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just cropdusted the office
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
