I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
