alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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