I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
