a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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