he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
PANTIES FOUND
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