I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
no, he came in my armpit
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
