someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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