In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
