The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Houston, we have a squirter
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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