last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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