I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
