i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
