Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
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