did you get engaged???
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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