...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need to calm my uterus...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
