My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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