first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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