I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think my vagina is haunted
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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