Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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