It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
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