Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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