i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
