I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
