I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
