i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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