'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
