May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
