Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
