I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
