just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
