Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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