Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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