I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
COCAINE IS GR8
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
