Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
